Should've Been Plugged Out At Birth Nos.16-28

We thought we'd seen the best useless, pointless, needless, meaningless, purposeless, worthless, hopeless, good-for-nothing gadgets that Should've Been Plugged Out At Birth, but along comes this collection of USB beauties. At least a couple must make it into the Top Ten with a bullet - hopefully through the back of their inventors' heads.

The USB Pole Dancer leaves us a bit speechless really. Mind you, if you needed to feed in dollar bills to keep the dance going it could've been the e-commerce invention of the century.

What next, a USB Boxer - you're kidding right? Now you can pretend to be a USB mafia boss running a chain of USB pole-dancing clubs and fixing USB fights. Someone should probably help you to sleep with the USB fishes.

Speaking of animals, if you ever felt like USB drives were too small to be truly useful for portable storage, and you always wanted to carry around a large stuffed pet, then you and the Crocodile USB Memory Stick will be very happy together. Stupid, but happy.

You'll be needing to keep your Crocodile company as well as keeping your keyboard clean. What better way to do both (and delight your simple mind at the same time) than a Duck-Shaped USB Vacuum Cleaner?

To complement your USB aquatic reptile and USB farmyard animal you'll need, of course, to put a bilaterally symmetrical cephalopod on your head: in other words a USB Shaking Octopus.

If someone isn't selling a USB Zoo where you can keep all your USB pets in time for USB Christmas then I'm a USB Monkey's Uncle.

The Armageddon USB Hub is so unbelievably lame it defies description. Press a big red button and get a loud honking noise to make you feel like you've blown up the world. Works best for megalomaniacs with a mental age of four. If you think armageddon one of those you must be nuts.

Still feeling infantile and belicose even after pressing that red button? Try the USB Missile Launcher - then please point it at yourself.

Whatever you do DON'T buy a normal oil burner that uses an old-fashioned energy source like candles. Make sure to get an Illuminated USB Oil Burner, Shaped Like a Cactus that does the same job but also plugs into your computer, uses electricity, creates CO2 and looks like something that would make WALL.E weak at the knees.

Keyboards and melted cheese - of course, an ideal combination. Welcome to the Desktop USB Office Fundue Set. (Yes, that's 'Fundue'). I'm not even sure if this is a real product. I hope for the sake of the survival of our species it isn't, but we all know it so easily could be.

According to the sales pitch for the spectacular waste of time and money (not to mention materials and energy) that is the USB PLasma Ball, "streams of red and blue plasma light will flicker out from the core of the hand-blown glass sphere throwing mesmerising light trails across its surface." A giant, flickering neon sign will also appear above your head saying: Sell Me Swamp Land In Florida Because I'm The World's Biggest Twat Who Will Buy Absolutely Anything.

Other contenders not pictured here include the USB Massage Ball which just looks creepy and slightly pornographic - perhaps that's just me? And we mentioned USB heated gloves before - but now you can get the slippers to go with them! inspired inanity.

I feel like I've just been dipped headfirst in a vat of steaming aimless, irrelevant, inconsequential, energy-sucking USBollocks. I think I'd better go and lie down for a bit and dream of Plugged Out happiness.

[Found on the oddly namedAleptu]

SHARE THIS